


The Fat Girl

by my_mad_fatuation



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Inspired by Novel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 20:34:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13419114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: Finn likes girls. Girls like Finn. Girls except for Rae, that is. Rae hates Finn. So why is she also sleeping with him?





	The Fat Girl

**Author's Note:**

> I already did a fic inspired by the film version of "The DUFF," but this time I thought I would base it on the book, which is quite different.

“This,” I said as I pulled my jeans back on, “cannot happen again.”

“You say that every time,” he said.

When I looked back at him, he was stretched out on his side on the bed, not even bothering to cover himself with anything. I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, well, I mean it this time,” I replied.

“You say that every time, too.”

I shook my head and picked up my t-shirt off the floor. I still had trouble understanding how I ended up in this situation. I mean, how did I, the fat girl, end up sleeping with the guy who was undeniably the hottest seventeen-year-old in Lincolnshire?

He also happened to be the sluttiest seventeen-year-old in Lincolnshire—if girls can be called sluts, then so can guys—and I hated him ferociously. His personality was absolutely the worst. Hearing his voice made my skin crawl. His body, on the other hand, well, it did other things to me.

“This was a mistake,” I said to him.

“Twenty-three.”

“What?”

“It was a mistake you made twenty-three times,” he said.

“Ugh, you’re counting?”

“Hey, you should be flattered, Rae,” he added. “I don’t normally go on the same ride more than once.”

“Thank you for referring to women as ‘rides,’ Finn,” I said sarcastically. “That’s real flattering.”

“Come on, where are you going?” he asked, sitting up as I picked up my bag and headed towards the door. “I’ll drive you home, just give me a second.”

“No, thanks,” I said. “Whatever this is, it’s done.”

***

Two months earlier, I was released from the hospital after spending some time in the psychiatric ward. It’s a long story, but basically I was alone with my messed up brain for too many nights in a row and I snapped. But I was much better now. The doctors said so. Not perfect, but better.

After I was released, I ran into Chloe, whom I hadn’t seen since well before my hospitalization, and she introduced me to her friends at the pub. Including _him_.

Finn Nelson, the hottest and sluttiest seventeen-year-old in Lincolnshire. Of course, he wasn’t introduced to me as such. He was introduced as, “Finn,” and that was that.

He barely even looked at me—let alone talked to me—the first few times I met the gang, before I became one of them. Even after that, his conversations with me were very perfunctory. But I’d gotten to know enough about his reputation—overhearing others talking about him, or watching him go up to girls—that I’d figured out what he was like, and knew he would never really be interested in talking to me, since I was neither attractive nor attracted to him in the slightest.

So it really surprised me a couple weeks later when, on an evening that I decided to go down to the pub by myself in order to get out of my house for a couple of hours, he just sat down at my table and started talking to me.

“How’s it going?” he asked, like we were friends. (We shared the same friend group, but we were not _friends_ by any stretch of the imagination.)

“Fine,” I grumbled.

“What are you doing here by yourself?” He had his hands folded on the table and his head cocked slightly to one side, as though he were curious and concerned, lacking his usual swagger.

“What do you care?” I said, choosing to ignore that he seemed sincere.

He shrugged. “I just wondered if something was wrong, that’s all.”

Now, I don’t know why I did it. But I decided to tell him the truth. At least, as much of the truth as I was allowed to tell. “I just can’t be at home right now,” I said with a sigh. “My mum… She’s been preoccupied lately with… something. And I feel invisible in my own house sometimes.”

“So, you come here to, what, be visible?”

“Not exactly. I dunno…”

He nodded, as though he didn’t quite understand, but wanted to.

“Why are you here, then?” I asked him. “Specifically, why are you here talking to me? You never talk to me.”

“I sometimes talk to you,” he said.

“Never like this,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, well, I’m kind of trying to become visible, too.”

I looked at him inquisitively. Was he saying that he sometimes felt invisible, like I did? Did we have something in common? Did he also—

“Particularly to those girls over there,” he added, motioning his head ever so slightly in the direction of a couple of beautiful young women at a nearby table. “Siobhan and Holly. They’re real bleeding heart types, who will appreciate that I am sensitive and considerate enough to talk to someone like you.”

“Wait, excuse me?” I said. What the _fuck_ did that mean?

“I don’t want them thinking I’m too shallow to even talk to a fat girl, do I?”

“Is—Is that all I am? A fat girl?” I felt like I was going to cry, right in the middle of the pub.

“No, that’s not all you are, but—”

“You know, I don’t really feel like sitting here and being used for one of your little mating rituals, so if you don’t mind…” I grabbed my bag and stood up to leave, but he stood as well.

“Rae, wait, I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. He reached for my arm but only caught the sleeve of my jacket, which I quickly whisked away from him as I headed for the door.

“Rae, come on,” he continued once he’d followed me out to the sidewalk.

“Why don’t you just go back in there with Shannon and Molly—”

“Siobhan and Holly.”

“Oh my god, I don’t care!”

“Look, I didn’t mean to ruin your night,” he said. “Just get back inside and I’ll leave you alone.”

“I don’t want to go back in there,” I said, standing in the middle of the sidewalk with my arms crossed.

“Fine, then I’ll drive you home,” he replied.

“What?”

“It’s getting late and soon it will be dark, and if something happened to you everyone would think it was my fault, so come on.”

Motionless, I glared at him, trying to determine if I’d actually be any better off accepting his offer. Well, I thought after some consideration, it wasn’t like I had to worry about him trying anything on me, _the_ _fat girl_.

“Fine,” I said. “Where’s your car?”

***

Finn led me to where his car was parked and, once we were inside, I told him where I lived so he could drive me. On the way there, however, something hit me.

“Wait,” I said. “I don’t want to go home yet.”

“What?” he asked, glancing at me briefly before returning his attention to the road.

“Take me somewhere.”

“Where?”

“It doesn’t matter; I don’t care,” I said. “I just don’t want to go home.”

“All right…” he said as he switched on his turn signal and made a left at the next corner.

I had no idea where he was taking me until we pulled up in front of a large house.

“Is this… your house?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said, like it was totally normal to take me here.

“Why are we at your house?”

“You said you didn’t want to go home, so—”

“I meant like go to the cinema or something,” I said.

“We can watch a film here,” he said. “And it’s cheaper.”

I sighed, but I didn’t really feel like arguing, when my only alternative was going home, so I got out of the car and followed him up to his front door.

I was a little surprised by how normal everything seemed when I got inside. I mean, it was nicer than my house, by far, but it wasn’t extravagant. For some reason I had imagined him living a life of decadence and luxury. Not that I’d ever given it that much thought.

“Did you want to watch a film, then?” he asked, leading me further inside.

“Er, I suppose…” I said uncertainly.

I didn’t really know what I wanted at this point. I just wanted to avoid the loneliness of being at home. But did that mean I needed _Finn_ to keep me company? It was a depressing thought.

“Well?” he said, looking over at me as he took a seat in the middle of the sofa. “Are you going to sit?”

I hesitated in the doorway for a minute before making my way over to sit in the spot to his left. It looked like there was slightly more space on that side for my fat ass. With his manspreading, though, there wasn’t any room for me to sit—on either side of him—without our knees touching. Which didn’t seem to bother him as much as it bothered me.

We ended up watching _Easy A_ on Netflix because, according to him, Emma Stone is “super hot.”

“That’s what makes the film so implausible,” I said after the film. “She claims to be invisible to people in the beginning, but no one who looks like that is going to be invisible.”

“Nobody is actually invisible, Rae,” he said. “Not even you.”

“Well, obviously,” I replied. “It’s kind of hard to miss something this size wobbling down the street. But that doesn’t mean people really _see_ me.”

“I think you don’t give people enough credit.”

I snorted a laugh.

“What?” he said.

“Just, that’s rich coming from you,” I told him. “If Chloe hadn’t introduced me to the gang, you wouldn’t even know that I exist. Besides, you just see me as some fat girl you can use to pick up hot ones.”

“As if your knowledge of me is so much more profound,” he said. “I hear your little smart remarks about me when you think I’m not paying attention. I’m not as dense as you seem to believe, _Rae_.”

“I wasn’t trying to hide the fact that I think you’re superficial and overrated, _Finn_ ,” I snapped.

“Which is totally unfair, ‘cos you don’t even know me,” he replied. “And you think _I’m_ the superficial one…”

“Oh my god, I can’t stand to hear you talk for one more second!”

“See? It’s so hypocritical that you think I’m such a—”

I couldn’t bear it any longer. I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. I just wanted him to shut. The. Fuck. Up. So I did the only thing I could think to do in that moment.

I kissed him.

It wasn’t a sweet little romantic kiss or anything; it was crashing my lips into his like my face was a car and someone had cut the brakes.

He reeled back in surprise at first, but I kept pushing towards him so he couldn’t withdraw from it. And then he wasn’t trying to anymore. Instead he was pushing back.

I clenched fistfuls of his hair and he pawed at my back as we fought it out with our tongues. There was no way in hell I was going to lose to this jerk. Putting my hands on his shoulders, I shoved him back against the cushion and got up onto my knees.

“Rae, what the hell is going on?” he asked as I held him pinned to the back of the sofa.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” I said as I swung one of my legs over his so that I was straddling him. There was no way he could be a match for the sheer size of me. I was going to use my weight against him in this competition.

He looked at me with bewilderment in his eyes for a moment before I kissed him again, so that he couldn’t give me any backtalk. He floundered briefly, and for a second I thought that I was victorious, but then he put his hands around my back again.

His fingertips pressed into me all the way down my back and sides until he reached my hips, and he pulled me down to sit on his lap, as though he wanted me there. As though this didn’t throw him off his game at all. As though I wasn’t crushing him to death.

I kept tugging back on his head as I kissed him, but he was still holding my hips down, pulling me in closer to him. And something strange was happening. With his hands on my body and his tongue in my mouth, I was sort of… turned on.

I didn’t quite understand what was transpiring, exactly. But the part of my brain that hated him with a fiery passion was dethroned by a part that, with an equally fiery passion, wanted to do a sex on him.

Which, I realized, was completely ridiculous. For one thing, I couldn’t stand the guy. For another, he couldn’t stand me. And even if I wanted to go against my better judgment and do _something_ , there was no way that he would ever—

I straightened my back as I felt his hand slide up my shirt to my bra clasp.

“What?” he asked, looking more confused than before as I pushed myself back from him. He was still holding me, so I didn’t get very far.

“You’re disgusting,” I told him.

“How am I disgusting?” he said.

“You’re trying to have it off with me!”

“I thought that’s what you wanted! You’re the one who started this, remember?”

“Only ‘cos you were being obnoxious and I wanted to shut you up!”

“Then why are you sitting on my lap?”

“I was trying to overpower you, physically.”

He laughed a little. “What?”

“Forget it,” I said. “This was stupid and I—”

“Do it,” he said, hugging me even closer.

“Do what?”

“I’ve never been physically overpowered before.”

“Oh, jeez—”

“Overpower me, Rae.”

“No, I don’t—”

“Come on.”

“This was just—”

He jutted his head forward and kissed me this time, probably to shut me up as well. Before I knew it, my hands were in his hair again, and he was clawing at my back.

He returned to my clasp and, before I could even think to stop him if I wanted to, he had it unhooked. He was more adept at taking off bras than I was, and I did it every single day. (What does that tell you?)

It was fine, though, because I didn’t want to stop him. The excitement of anticipation that I felt crowded out any other thoughts in my head. I wasn’t worrying about being lonely or isolated—hell, even my size wasn’t bothering me in that moment. I may have been _the fat girl_ , but he still wanted to touch me.

I realized that it said more about his low standards than my appeal, but I didn’t care. Clearly my standards were pretty low, too, if I was going to let Finn Fucking Nelson grope me.

Then, suddenly, something occurred to me. “What if someone walks in?” I asked, now in a slight panic. It was probably something I should have considered _before_ I sat on top of him.

He shook his head. “My dad’s at a conference all week,” he said. “There’s no one else here.”

“Oh,” I said. “Does that happen a lot?”

He shrugged. It was clear he didn’t really want to talk about it, which was all right, because I didn’t really want to listen.

We stared at each other silently for several seconds, each waiting for the other to say something, before I decided, “Fuck it,” and lifted off my shirt. His eyes widened for a second, like he hadn’t been expecting that, but then he started sliding my bra straps down my arms.

Yes, I felt a little self-conscious about being completely topless in front of a boy, but also it was just Finn—I didn’t really care what he thought of me. Besides, if my body disgusted him, he was hiding it really well. In fact, he had a look on his face like it was Christmas.

And then he touched them. And I was like, _whoa_. And I let out this sound that I wasn’t super proud of. It was like a gasping moan, the kind of sexual noise I’d always assumed was fake, but I couldn’t help it. He had ignited something inside me that I didn’t even know existed.

Suddenly, he grabbed my hips and pushed me away, off to one side of the sofa. Was that it? Was he done with me?

I wasn’t left to wonder for long, because he immediately lifted his own shirt off and then started unzipping my jeans, tugging them down my legs. Everything was happening so fast that I didn’t have time to fret about my practical-not-cute underwear, or the scars on my legs, or the fact that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

His trousers were down in seconds, though he’d materialized a condom from his pocket before they dropped, somehow. He certainly was prepared. I realized that he must have been prepared for _Siobhan and/or Holly_ , not me, but that didn’t appear to stop him. And neither did I.

I know, I know; I should have put an end to this. Did I really want my first time to be some meaningless fuck with a guy I couldn’t stand? Not particularly. That being said, it wasn’t as though I had all that many other options. I mean, here was this guy, the hottest seventeen-year-old in Lincolnshire, climbing on top of me, about to—

And then we did it.

***

It wasn’t until it was all over and we’d started pulling our clothes back on that something hit me; this was my first time! Yes, I knew that before it happened, but I didn’t think about the consequences of it, such as…

“What are you doing?” Finn asked as I jumped up quickly and started examining the sofa cushions.

“I just wanted to make sure I didn’t bleed on anything,” I said, though I couldn’t see any signs of blood.

“You on your period or something?” he said. “I’d have put a towel down if I knew.”

“No, it’s just, I heard that you bleed when it’s your first time.”

“Sometimes, but not always.”

“Oh.” I supposed that he was more of an expert on that sort of thing than I was and I vaguely wondered how many cherries he’d popped. (Ugh, I hate that expression.)

“You’re not going to go falling in love with me, are you?” he added with a smirk.

“What?”

“I know how girls can be about this sort of thing when it’s their first.”

“Oh please, I still hate you,” I said. “Don’t worry.”

“Good.”

“And on that note, can we agree not to tell anyone about this?” I added.

“Yeah. No problem.” He picked up his keys, which had fallen out of his pocket when he took his jeans off, and spun them around his finger. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

***

I didn’t see Finn again until two days later, with the rest of the gang at the pub. I was trying desperately not to seem awkward around him, or let on that anything had happened between us. But perhaps I was trying a little too hard.

“All right,” Chloe said to me when she dragged me along to the toilets with her. “What did he do to you?”

“Who?” I asked, worried that she was onto something.

“Finn! He must have done something to ya,” she said.

“Nothing! What? Who says he did something to me?” I replied quickly.

“You’ve been giving him a colder shoulder than usual. He must have done something to annoy ya.”

“Ohhh. Er, not exactly,” I said. “He’s just always super annoying, yeah?”

“I honestly don’t know why you think that, Rae,” she said. “He’s really a nice guy, when you get to know him.”

“He’s nice to _you_ because he wants to get in your pants, Chloe,” I told her. “He doesn’t bother pretending to be nice to me unless it’ll impress someone else.”

“What are you on about?”

“Nothing. Never mind. Let’s just go back out there.”

We got back to the table with the rest of the gang, but Finn was no longer there. I scanned the pub for a moment until I saw him chatting up another beautiful young woman a few tables over. Typical.

He returned to us several minutes later, with his phone in his hand and a smug look on his face. “Got her number,” he said as he sat down.

“It’s probably fake,” I said bluntly.

“What?”

“She probably gave you a fake number.”

“Girls don’t give out fake numbers,” he said.

“Yes, they do!” I argued.

“To me,” he clarified. “Girls don’t give out fake numbers _to me_.”

I sneered at him, but he just looked pleased with himself.

“Besides, since when have you ever given out your number, real or fake?” he added.

“You can have my number right now,” I said. “It’s 0796BITEME.”

He laughed haughtily. “That’s not even enough digits.”

“Whatever.”

“Oh, that’s really clever, Rae.”

“Yeah, well, you’re a—”

“Why don’t we just cool it on the arguing, yeah?” Chloe interjected. “Can’t the two of you even act like you can stand each other? For the sake of the group?”

“I can,” said Finn, “but I don’t know if Rae—”

“It’ll be hard, but I think I can handle it,” I cut in.

“That’s what she said.”

“Ugh!”

***

I got home later that evening to find my mum and her secret boyfriend, Karim, snuggling on the couch and watching television.

“Oh, hi, Rae,” my mum said when she saw me, looking surprised. “I didn’t know you were out. I thought you were up in your room.”

“I told you I was going out today,” I said to her.

“Right, well, I don’t remember every bloody thing you tell me.”

“You should at least care about whether or not I’m at home.”

“You’ve made it perfectly clear that you don’t want me smothering you,” she said.

“Yeah, well, there’s got to be something between smothering and not even knowing if I’m fucking home or not!”

“Language, Rae!”

“You know what?” I said. “Since it doesn’t make a difference to you whether I’m here, I think I’m going to spend the night at Chloe’s.”

“Rae,” my mum said as I started heading towards the stairs so I could go to my room and pack a bag. “Why don’t you come watch telly with us, hm? We’ll have some family time.”

“This isn’t my family.”

***

I wasn’t sure why I said it. It was so harsh. But it felt like my mum didn’t even really want me there, that I was just an afterthought. I needed to be with a good friend tonight, someone who actually wanted me around.

I texted Chloe asking her if I could stay over at her place while I packed up a change of clothes and my toothbrush into my backpack. I didn’t wait for a response from her to leave the house, though.

I’d already started on the trek to her house by the time I heard back from her. She said she was sorry, but her sister was home and they were having family time tonight.

_Fucking family time_ , I thought.

I didn’t know what to do, just that I didn’t want to go home. So I kept walking. There was only one other place I could think to go in this part of town…

***

Finn looked surprised to see me standing on his doorstep, and I didn’t blame him. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I can’t be at home tonight,” I said. “And I was going to go to Chloe’s, but she’s busy, and I don’t know where anyone else lives, and I just need some place to crash, and I remember you said your dad was gone for the week, and—”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” he said. “Fine, you can stay here tonight.”

“Really?”

“Don’t ask again.”

I kept my mouth shut, despite wanting to come back at him with something, and he stepped aside to let me in.

“Come on, the spare room is up here,” he said as he led me up the stairs.

On the way there, we passed by another bedroom with the door open, and I could hear music coming from within.

“Is that a record-player?” I asked, backtracking to the room again to take a look.

“Yeah,” said Finn.

“Is it yours?”

“It’s my dad’s,” he said. “But he lets me use it.”

“That’s pretty cool,” I said, forgetting for a moment that I hated everything about him and his lifestyle.

“Do you wanna see it?” he offered as he walked into his bedroom.

I nodded and followed him over to it, where I was able to recognize the music playing from it—“She’s Electric” by Oasis.

“I like this song,” I said.

“Me, too.”

“Wow, something we have in common.”

“We probably have more in common than you think,” he said.

I laughed sarcastically. “You and I are like polar opposites.”

“Well, you know what they say about opposites, don’t you?”

“No…”

“Like magnets, they attract.” He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“You’re disgusting,” I said.

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Because, you will literally flirt with anything.”

“That’s not true,” he said.

“It is,” I said. “I’ve seen you flirt with male bartenders if you think it’ll get you a free drink. You just try to get whatever you want out of people.”

“And what exactly do you think I want out of you?” he asked.

“I dunno. The satisfaction of humiliating me?”

He looked around briefly. “There’s no one here for you to be humiliated in front of.”

“To annoy me, then,” I said. “You just love getting on my nerves.”

“It is fun, I’ll admit,” he said with a cheeky grin.

I folded my arms and rolled my eyes with a disgruntled sigh. Man, I hated him sometimes. No, all the time.

His smile faded and he added, “So why can’t you be home tonight?”

I was confused by his sudden change in demeanour. “Oh, er, it’s not a big deal or anything, I just… I feel more alone with her around than when I’m by myself.”

“Your mum, you mean?”

I nodded.

“I just figured, it must be pretty bad if you’d rather be _here_ , with me,” he said.

“This wasn’t my first choice, remember?”

“Oh yeah? Are you sure about that?” he asked, taking a step towards me.

“Why would I come here if I had any other option?” I replied as I stood my ground. I wasn’t about to back down to him.

“Because you’re madly in love with me after I rocked your world.”

“Pfft! Yeah, right.”

“Unfortunately, I don’t really go for seconds,” he said, sweeping my hair away from my neck. “But I suppose I could make an exception if you begged me.”

I batted his hand away from me. “Don’t be gross,” I said, and he laughed.

“Fine, you don’t have to beg, just say ‘please,’” he added as he ran his other hand up my arm.

“You’re vile, you know that?” I replied, wriggling my arm to get his hand off of me.

“And you love it, admit it.”

“Oh, please!”

“Ah, I heard you say ‘please.’”

“Sarcastically,” I said.

“I dunno, Rae,” he continued, taking on an even more arrogant tone. “See, what you don’t seem to realize is that you and I are not as—”

His voice was making me feel itchy all over and I just wanted to make it stop. I just wanted him to shut up and stop talking down to me. So I pulled out my usual trick; I kissed him again.

It was just long enough to shut him up, and then I shoved him away forcefully. I wasn’t sure which part surprised him more, the kiss or the shove.

“Rae, what the fuck?” he said, staggering to maintain his balance.

I gave him a look like I was challenging him. “What are you gonna do about it?” my eyes asked him.

His answer was to come charging at me like a bull. He grabbed the sides of my head to hold it still so he could kiss me and without me trying to escape. Not that I was trying to anyway. Instead I was clenching the sides of his t-shirt in my fists and tugging it towards me.

“Wait,” he said when he stopped suddenly. He stared at me for a second and then reached behind his head to pull his shirt off. “You’re gonna stretch it.”

And then his lips were back on mine and his hands were scrambling to lift up my shirt as well.

Things sort of escalated quicker than they had the last time I was at his house; before I knew it, our pants were off and I was lying on my back in his bed as he got ready to go.

“So,” he said as he kissed the side of my neck, holding my legs up with his arms, “are you going to beg me now?”

“What?”

“I told you I’d make an exception if you begged me,” he said. “You just have to say the magic word.”

“Oh, fuck off,” I said. I pushed him up by his shoulders. “I’m not going to say ‘please,’ you sick f—uuuuck!”

Apparently, I did say “please.”

***

“Hah!” Finn declared proudly as we sat on the floor of his bedroom in our pyjamas. “Connect 4, I win!”

“You don’t have to say the name of the game every time you win,” I said, rolling my eyes while he emptied the little discs from the suspended grid.

“I do,” he said. “It’s part of the fun. You would know that if you ever won a round.”

“I’m sick of this game, anyway,” I said. “I want to go to bed.”

“Oh. Yeah. Shit,” he said.

“What?”

“I forgot to make up the spare bed earlier. I, er, kind of got distracted.”

“Then do it now.”

He groaned. “But I’m so tired.”

“So, what, am I just supposed to sleep on a bare mattress?” I said.

“That, or you could…” He nodded towards his bed.

“And where would you sleep?” I asked pointedly.

“What, so you’ll fuck me but you won’t _sleep_ with me?”

“I _hate_ you, Finn.”

“I don’t see the problem.”

“Fine, you know what?” I said. “I’m also too tired to care.” I stood up gracelessly and stumbled over to the bed because my legs were half-asleep from sitting for so long on the floor.

He followed shortly behind and switched off the lamp next to his bed before getting in next to me.

“G’night, Rae,” he said as he slipped his arm around my waist.

“Goodnight, you perv.”

***

“Rae.”

I heard my name, but I was still too asleep to respond with more than a grunt.

“Rae.”

I started to wake up, slowly, enough to realize that it was Finn whispering in my ear. “What? I grumbled.

“Are you awake?” he asked.

“No.”

“Well, wake up.” He kissed the side of my neck right below my ear.

It was then I realized that his hand was on my stomach, under my shirt, and he was sliding it down my front, beneath the waistband of my pyjamas. I was too sleepy to complain—not that I necessarily wanted to.

I groaned in a way that could have meant I was annoyed at him, or that I was turned on. Most likely it was both. Either way, he continued.

When he stopped abruptly, I turned my head to look back over my shoulder at him. I was about to ask what was going on when I saw him lying on his back and putting on a condom. He saw me looking at him, so he rolled towards me and kissed me as he started pulling down my pyjamas past my hips.

***

I felt sort of strange getting dressed in front of Finn. Yes, I knew that he’d seen me naked already, but that was different. Everything gets kind of hazy in the heat of the moment, but standing in the middle of a room, daylight streaming in through the windows, it’s all a lot clearer. Which was not a good thing, when it came to my body. Hazy was better.

“We’re not doing this again,” I said to him once my clothes were back on.

“Doing what?” he asked, feigning ignorance.

“Don’t be a dumbass,” I said.

“Oh, you mean the mind-blowing sex,” he said with a nod. “Got it.”

“…Mind-blowing?” I asked, curious if that was what he really thought about it.

“For you, I meant. For me, it’s pretty much par for the course.”

“Gee, thanks,” I said, scowling at him.

“Don’t be offended,” he said. “I usually do it with the cream of the crop, so par is still pretty good.”

“Oh my god, you are not helping!”

He snickered a little and I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not.

“Yeah, well, like I said, never again,” I told him.

“Sure,” he said. “Whatever you say.”

***

I had to bite down on Finn’s pillow to keep from crying out.

“Holy shit, Rae,” he said as he climbed off of me, breathing heavily.

I pulled the duvet up over myself as I turned over onto my back. “What?”

“Talk about mind-blowing, right?”

“You mean for me?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“I mean,” he said as he leaned over and gave me a small kiss, “for both of us.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I scoffed. “This can’t happen again, though.”

“You said that last time.”

“Well, I mean it this time.”

“Sure,” he said. “Whatever you say.”

***

I still hadn’t told anyone about what had happened between Finn and me—four times—but it didn’t seem important, since it was never going to happen again. At least we still hated each other, so nothing seemed different to our friends.

As Chloe was going on about something—I wasn’t paying attention; I was too busy thinking about how much I hated Finn—I got a text message. I checked it and, lo and behold, it was from him. Even though he was sitting right across the table from me. I regretted ever giving him my real number, but I read the message anyway.

_“What are you doing tonight?”_ it read.

“Chloe,” I said, interrupting her speech. “Do you feel like doing something with me tonight?”

“Like what?” she asked.

“I dunno, like a sleepover or something. I heard you mention something about your parents being out, and that’s an awfully big house to stay in all by yourself,” I said.

“Ooh, a sleepover!” said our friend, Izzy, clapping her hands together.

Chloe looked like she was considering it. “That might be all right,” she said. “Are you guys in, as well?”

I looked around the table at the boys, all of whom were nodding in agreement. This wasn’t exactly what I meant when I suggested having a sleepover with her. It wouldn’t have been so bad, except that Finn was also nodding along, like he intended to go, when this whole sleepover idea of mine was so that I could avoid him.

He shot me an arrogant smile, like he knew how much this was killing me.

I wanted to kiss that smirk right off his face.

Er, I mean smack. Smack it off his face.

***

“Where do you think you’re going, young lady?” my mum asked when she saw me leaving the house later that evening with my backpack full of clothes and a bottle of booze I’d swiped from her cabinet.

“Chloe’s,” I told her.

“You’ve been over at Chloe’s a lot recently,” she said.

“Just a couple times,” I said.

“Well, I don’t think it’s good for you to be spending this much time out of the house. You’ve just gotten out of the hospital a few weeks ago, Rae.”

“What, so now all of a sudden you give a shit if I’m here or not?” I asked.

“Don’t talk to me like that; I’m your mum!”

“You can’t just decide to be my mum whenever you feel like it! Either you care about me or you don’t, not just when it’s convenient for you.”

“Of course I care about you, Rae. That’s why I’m worried. I don’t want you to end up back in that place.”

“The reason I ended up in that place was because I didn’t have anyone around—I’m not going to end up there again while I’m with my friends, am I?” I said. “Besides, being stuck in this house just reminds me of what happened, and I’d rather not.”

“Fine, you’re sixteen,” she said, nearly shouting. “You can make your own decisions. But you’d better not come ‘round asking me for favours.”

“I wasn’t planning to!” I said before storming off. I didn’t need her, anyway.

***

By the time I got to Chloe’s house, the rest of the gang was already there, and they were all a couple of drinks ahead of me. All except Finn, anyway.

Chop had brought tequila and limes, so I did two shots back to back as soon as I joined them. I tried for a third one, but I was so uncoordinated that I dribbled most of it down my shirt when I tried to put the lime in my mouth before swallowing the shot. It made everyone laugh, at least. Even Finn.

I hated that he was laughing at me. Thinking he was better than me. Judging me. But who was he to judge me or think me vile when he was the one who kept fucking me?

That was over now, though. Never again.

***

“Psst! Finn!” I whispered loudly into the spare bedroom where the boys were sleeping. (The girls and I took Chloe’s room.)

Archie was the first to wake up in response to my rude interruption of their sleep. “What’s going on?” he asked groggily. “Rae? Do you know what time it is?”

“Four,” I said, as if that were a normal time to come wake someone who had just gone to bed at three. “I just need to ask Finn something.”

Archie groaned and rolled on the floor so he could kick Finn in the leg. “Finn, wake up. Rae needs to ask you something.”

“What?” said Finn.

“Would you all shut the fuck up?” said Chop.

“Come on, Finn, just for a second,” I said, no longer whispering.

I heard him grumbling as he got up and trudged over to the door. “What?” he asked moodily.

“I just have a question,” I said, quieter. “Shh… Come with me.” I grabbed the front of his shirt and dragged him down the stairs to the dark kitchen.

“What is it?” he asked, clearly impatient and wanting to go back to sleep.

“I was just wondering…” I said as I pulled him closer and traced my finger over his chest. “How d’you want me?”

“Okay, you’re really drunk,” he said, pushing me away when I tried to kiss him.

“So?”

“So, I’m not going to do anything with you when you’re this drunk.”

“Because drunk me is so much more disgusting than sober me?”

“What? No, that’s not why—”

“I’ll do anything you want,” I said, pawing at his chest as he held me back. “Please? See, I used the magic word.”

He shook his head. “This isn’t you, Rae,” he said. “You’re not like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like the rest of them!”

I frowned at him because I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“You don’t get drunk and beg guys to get off with you,” he said. “I think you’ve got a little more self-respect than that.”

“Have I?” I said angrily. “’Cos my self-respect wasn’t great enough to stop me from fucking you in the first place!”

“Keep it down or they’ll hear you.” He held down my arms with his to reign me in.

“You wouldn’t want that now, would you? Ruin your sparkling reputation,” I said sarcastically. “Newsflash, Finn Nelson has sex with fat girls!”

“You’re the one who didn’t want people to know about it!” he hissed.

“Whatever, I’m going to sleep.”

“Good, get some rest,” he said. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“No, we won’t.”

***

I was right; Finn and I didn’t talk the next day. The day after that, however…

“Are you going to tell me why you’re here this time?” he asked me after he answered the door and I started kissing him without a word.

“Mum wasn’t home,” I said. “Alone with my thoughts. Bad combination.”

“So, when she’s not home, you get lonely, and when she is home, you get lonely; is that about right?” he said.

“At least I’m dealing with it better than I used to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I stopped and looked at him for a moment. “Oh, er, nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

I went in for another kiss but he held me at arm’s length.

“My dad’s home,” he said. “If he sees you, he’ll bend your ear for a week.”

“Should—Should I just leave, then?”

“Come upstairs, just be quiet.”

I followed him up to his room, trying not to make any noise on the stairs. As soon as we were in his room with the door shut, he turned on me. His lips were on mine in a second and his hands were all over my back.

“Wait,” I said, pulling away from him. “I thought you said we couldn’t make any noise.”

“Yeah, so you’ll just have to try and keep it down.”

***

I knew from experience that Finn’s bed creaked too much for us to use that when anyone was home, so we ended up doing it on a pile of his clean laundry on the floor. (I just hoped he rewashed it all afterwards.)

He had to clamp his hand over my mouth towards the end, but we seemed to get through with minimal noise production, though I did bite him a little bit.

“So,” he said quietly as he lay beside me in the heap of clothing. “Why did you come back here this time?”

“You just experienced why,” I said.

“I mean was it a fight with your mum or what?”

“I haven’t even seen her since yesterday.”

“Why, then?”

“Because I haven’t seen her since yesterday,” I said. “Even with… Well, it’s too quiet in that house. Too much time alone with my thoughts. It’s just, it’s not good.”

“Okay, well, if you wanted to, I dunno, talk about it…” he began, appearing vulnerably shy for the first time ever. But then he looked back at me and smirked. “…call Chloe.”

“Thank you for that,” I said sarcastically. “But, no, I don’t want to talk about it.”

I especially didn’t want to talk about it with Chloe. She didn’t know about my secret breakdown. She didn’t know that I used to deal with the loneliness and isolation by hurting myself. She also didn’t know that I now dealt with it in a new way that was less physically harmful, but probably not good for me either.

Because, after sneaking out of Finn’s house and going home, I felt worse than I had when I’d arrived. I felt ashamed all the time.

I remembered my therapist telling me the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is, “I’m sorry for what I’ve done,” and shame is, “I’m sorry for who I am.” And I was. I was sorry for being me.

Of course, there were a few ways I coped with that constant feeling of shame. A few things that, in the moment, relieved it—even if I ended up feeling worse afterwards.

One of them was what put me in the hospital.

One of them was what made me fat.

And one of them was Finn.

***

I saw Finn nearly every day for the next few weeks. Sometimes it was at the pub or the chippy with the gang, and sometimes it was just the two of us at his house, but either way, I couldn’t seem to get away from him.

And something strange was happening. He started sitting next to me while we were out with the others. He started talking to me like I was a person, even in front of the rest of the gang. He even started doing this thing where he would send me secret messages by tracing letters on the top of my leg, underneath the table. It was almost like we were becoming—gasp!— _friends_.

Even when we were alone, things were different. There were times I’d go over to his house and we would just sit on the floor of his room, listening to records for a couple hours, and then I’d go home.

Of course, most of the time, we’d end up having sex, and I would say it was the last time, and he would say that I say that every time, and I would say that I mean it this time, and then I’d be back the next day. And repeat.

After the twenty-third time, however, I was right. It did end up being our last meaningless fuck.

***

I returned to Finn’s house two days later, though. We listened to records as we lay side by side on his bed—but I had come to his house for more than that, even after I swore I wouldn’t.

“Rae, can I ask you something?” he said, turning his head to look at me.

“No, I’m not going to give you a blow job,” I replied as I glared at him.

He laughed a little. “That’s not what I was going to ask.”

“All right, what, then?”

“Just, I was wondering, what happened to your legs?” he asked. “I mean, if you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine, too, I just—”

“It’s a long story and you don’t really care,” I said.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t care.”

I frowned. “Do you really?”

He picked up my hand and held it with my palm face up before tracing letters onto it with his finger. _Y...E…S_.

I closed my hand into a fist, accidentally holding onto his finger by doing so. I let go and looked away quickly.

“Long story short, I was… messed up in the head and I… Well…” I said. I didn’t feel like going into detail about it. “But I’m better now.”

When I looked at him again, he was staring at me with his eyebrows pulled together in the middle. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“You can’t tell anyone,” I added.

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“I promise. I won’t tell anyone.”

I turned my head back to face the ceiling and closed my eyes. “I have too many fucking secrets,” I said.

“Well, they’re safe with me. Always.” He picked up my hand again, only this time he just squeezed it with his.

That was it. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked as a tear dribbled down towards my ear.

“Because,” he said, shifting onto his side so he could face me, propped up on his elbow. He wiped my tear away with his thumb.

“But we hate each other.”

“I don’t hate you, Rae.”

I scoffed and another tear rolled down, but he just brushed it away as well.

“Rae…” he said as he brought his face closer to mine. “I…” He started to say something, but instead he kissed me.

It was nothing like how we’d kissed before. It wasn’t a battle. It wasn’t heated and angry. It was tender and sweet and other adjectives I’d never associated with Finn. What was going on?

It went on for what felt like hours. My whole body was tingling, but not in the fiercely urgent way that it usually did. It was slightly unnerving, and I just wanted things to be the way they were.

“Rae,” he said when I started to lift the bottom of his shirt. “Are you sure?”

“It’s the only reason I’m here,” I said.

He stared at me for a moment, but I couldn’t read his expression. Angry? Sad? Hurt? In any case, he pulled his shirt off over his head.

***

It had never been like that before. Usually our clothes would be off in a matter of seconds, and back on again in less than ten minutes. But he moved so slowly this time, and it was driving me mad. In a good way.

He kept kissing me, too—most times we wouldn’t kiss again once it started, but this was different. Everything about it was different, but I didn’t hate it.

In fact, I kind of—No. That couldn’t be right.

***

“How are you?” Finn asked once he’d rolled off to one side, keeping his arm around me.

“Fine, I guess,” I said hesitantly. He’d never asked me that before.

“Only fine?” he said, kissing my cheek.

“What difference does it make?” I said.

He grazed my bare stomach with his fingertips, moving gradually lower. “I want to make you feel great,” he said.

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Since when do you give a shit how I _feel_?” I asked.

“I dunno, I just do,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because I do.”

“But why?”

“Because—” he began, stopping abruptly. He exhaled in frustration and started drawing letters with his finger on my inner thigh.

“Don’t say that,” I said to him once he’d finished.

“Why not?”

“It’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny,” he said. “I’m just trying to tell you that I—”

“Well, don’t.” I pushed him away and started to put my clothes back on. I had to get out of there, as soon as possible. “And we’re definitely done this time.”

***

I couldn’t understand why Finn would tell me such a thing. What sort of game was he playing at? Did he think I would believe him and say it back? And then he could laugh in my face? No, not gonna happen.

I managed to avoid him for several days, until I met up with the gang at the pub and he was there. I did my best not to speak to him, though.

“Oi, Finn,” said Chop, nudging him in the arm. “Isn’t that that girl you were talking to at that party a couple months ago?” He nodded towards the door where a young woman just walked in.

Finn looked up but seemed disinterested. “I s’pose.”

“You said if you saw her again you were going to get her number,” Chop reminded him.

“Yeah, well,”—Finn glanced at me briefly—“I changed my mind.”

“What’s the matter with you, eh?”

“What?”

“You’ve been acting strange for weeks now,” said Chop. “Not chatting up girls, and such. And the past few days you’ve been a right sorry git.”

“I’m fine,” Finn grumbled, slouching in his seat.

“C’mon, mate,” Chop continued as he put his arm over Finn’s shoulder. “You should go talk to her.”

“Yeah, she keeps looking at you,” said Archie. “Go on. It’ll make you feel better.”

Finn shrugged Chop’s arm off of him. “How would you know?” he said. “You don’t know anything about what I’m feeling, so just piss off. All of you.” He glared at me for a second and then got up to leave.

“Finn, wait,” said Archie. “I’m sorry, we’ll drop it. Just have a seat.”

“I can’t do this right now,” Finn replied. “I’ll see you guys later.” He looked at me again and added, “Some of you.”

After he left, the others all turned to me.

“Why did he single you out?” Chloe asked. “He made it seem like he doesn’t want to see you again.”

“Are the two of you still fighting?” said Izzy. “This is getting out of hand.”

“Yeah, I thought you two were starting to get on,” Archie added.

“Look, I don’t know why he said it, okay?” I said irritably. “He’s clearly in a bad mood, and I’m obviously his least favourite person here, so—”

“That’s no excuse for him to talk to you that way,” said Chloe. “You should go give him a piece of your mind. I don’t care if he is a grump today.”

“Yeah, go on, Rae,” said Chop. “Go tell him he can’t treat you like that just ‘cos he’s in a foul mood.”

“What, now?” I asked as they all stared at me expectantly.

“Yes!”

***

As I walked out of the pub, I wasn’t entirely sure what I should do. I knew the others wanted me to confront Finn, but I didn’t particularly want to do that. I couldn’t even see him anywhere. So what was I supposed to do? Go home? Wait outside for a few minutes and then go back in and make something up to the rest of the gang?

I didn’t have long to decide, however, because Finn stepped out of the convenience store across the road and saw me standing by the pub entrance. He stared at me for a second and then continued on his way down the street.

I’m not sure what exactly compelled me to do so, but I jogged over to him before he could get very far. I didn’t know what I was going to say to him, either, I just knew I had to catch up to him.

“What do you want?” he asked gruffly when I managed to fall in step with him.

“Nothing,” I said. “Only, you were kind of rude to me back there and—”

He stopped and looked at me. “ _I_ was rude? You haven’t spoken to me in days! I told you how I felt—”

“Look,” I said, matching his tone, “I don’t know what your angle is here—”

“My _angle_?”

“—but I’m not falling for it, okay? So you can just quit it and we can go back to the way things were before… any of this.”

“Rae,” he said, like he was giving up. “I don’t have an angle, I just thought I would tell you the truth, seeing as we’ve been getting close lately. I felt that I owed it to you to be honest. But apparently that was a mistake.”

I was speechless for a moment. “But… But how is this possible? How can you—” I couldn’t even bring myself to say the word.

“I just do, Rae. I can’t help it.”

“But you’re _Finn Nelson_ ,” I said. “You’ve been with almost every available girl in Lincolnshire, so why…”

“Why, what?”

“Why _me_?” I asked as I fought back tears.

He looked like I’d offended him. “Why not you, Rae?”

“Because!” I snapped. “I’m just _the fat girl_.”

“Is that what you think you are?”

“It’s what you think I am.”

“Hey, I never said—”

“You only started being nice to me to show other girls that you weren’t too shallow to talk to a _fat girl_ ,” I said. “Those were your words.”

“All right, so you’re a fat girl,” he said, raising his arms in an angry shrug. “Fine. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t also the most beautiful, the most clever, and the toughest girl I’ve ever known.”

“What are you talking about? I’m none of those things.”

“You are, though, Rae,” he added, softening his voice. “You are.”

“But you—You’re reputation is—”

“I know I’ve never been serious about anyone before, but that doesn’t mean I’m not serious now.”

“…So what do we do?”

***

Finn and I returned to the pub, hand in hand, and got some surprised looks from the rest of the gang.

“You two sure made up, then,” said Chop, though he—and the others—appeared confused.

I exchanged glances with Finn and we both smiled, like we were holding in laughter.

“Is this some sort of joke that we’re not getting?” asked Chloe.

“It’s not a joke,” I said. “We’re… together, now.”

“What do you mean, _together_?” said Archie, raising an eyebrow inquisitively.

“Just that,” Finn replied.

Chloe shook her head like she still didn’t understand. “When did this happen? Five minutes ago you hated each other.”

“You know what they say,” he added. “It’s a fine line.”

***

As it turned out, being with Finn while knowing that I was actually _with_ him—that we actually preferred each other’s company to everyone else’s, not because everyone else sucked, but because we were _in lesbians_ with each other (I still couldn’t say the other L word)—made me feel a lot less shameful about being with him. I even felt _good_ about myself.

Somehow I, the fat girl, ended up with the hottest, sluttiest, and surprisingly sweetest seventeen-year-old in all of Lincolnshire.

And, even better for him, he ended up with me.


End file.
